Tuesday, December 30, 2008

cabin fever hit me hard

I actually ran away for a few hours today. I honestly had just had enough of the incessant demands, questions and bickering, so I called for my hero, in tears, and he saved me like he always does. I disappeared into the city for some urban and retail therapy. I am having a hard time figuring out how to make this internal shift from what I've been told I need to be in order to be a "good mother", especially according to the peer pressure of the "good Christian women" portrayed in every Christian parenting book and magazine I've read since becoming a mom almost 10 years ago. I think I might not be able to fit that mode after all, and it scares me, and makes me mad that I even have that mentalimage to live up to. I need to find my way back to what I would have done had I never read any of that stuff. As in BE MYSELF, instead of living up to some ideal, always fulfilled with diapers, cooking and housework because its for the glory of God kind of thing, some kind of momma-zen BS. Of course, it CAN be that way. I keep hearing about it. I just get really, really tired of how small my world has become. Can I just say that I am BORED with "just" this? I am making good (mental) plans to move toward my dream(s), but don't feel ready to share them, for fear they will lose some power once spoken of. But, it does involve a lot of classroom time and a lot of money and often involves the abbreviation "U".

Ok, so here goes nothing.

your needs are so strong,
crushing me, i fear sometimes.
taking flight, i stay.

old aches still haunt me
i feel the whispered pain of
you not choosing me

There! 2 haikus that make me want to run and hide! Now, family and friends, please do not ask me what these poems mean, or make me explain them in any way. And no worrying about me because I put these things out there. Please just let them speak for themselves, otherwise I will be tempted not to try this raw honesty thing. I'm fine, promise. :)

Until next time, toodles...

(you have no idea that act of will it actually took for me to click "publish" on this post)

5 comments:

Gypsy Alex said...

You're flying, Emme! I'm so proud of you! At the end of the day, this is your life! Live it as you wish!!! Sometimes dreams come true in easier ways... When you take one step fwd, the whole world conspires to support and lift you.

"Come to the edge, he said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came. He pushed them
And they flew."
Guillaume Apollinaire

Wishing you a Year full of Opportunity & Magic!

xxox

Velvet Sweatpants said...

I love this post! I only wish you'd have taken me with you when you went for "therapy."

Don't be afraid. Or be afraid and do it any way. (Or is it 'anyway'...feels like it should be one word).

:) Janya

Anna said...

Great post!

katie said...

be who you are.

Rachael said...

keep going, girl. and dont' be afraid if you have to nudge or fight a little to be your raw self. remember--most people have dark secrets and fragile hearts. really. they do.